When we went to France the last thing on our mind was water, I actually thought it would be in short supply. And in anticipation of this I invested in Mosquito netting and set about constructing the frames. I wasn't even suspicious when the girl at Bricolage virtually had to empty the stock room out into the road to discover the overpriced netting. I could have had a pair of silk curtains made for the same price. Plus I ignored her obvious confused look as being a problem with my poor French skills. However, in retrospect I now realise that there wasn't one house on our route from home to shop that had net screens!
However, I was prevented from making the screens because it wouldn't stop raining and raining and raining. The region known 'micro climate' and this means that an 'orage' can whip up at any moment. Mini tornado's that erupt backed up by tons of water being dumped in minutes and they are a regular occurrence.
Earlier when the weather was improving we made our way to Geant and the sales 'soldes'. 'Soldes' in France are really good, they are regulated by the Government and can only occur at fixed times of the year ( that would put a stop to the endless sofa adverts in the Uk!). However, still in the frame of mind that we would soon be frazzled we bought a sun screen awning for the front of our natural stone Charentese house.
The equipment was about 20ft in length and secured to the building by brackets and the the framework was hollow metal. With great effort and a balancing act that would have entertained circus audiences we wobbled the fragile frame up to the wall. One had to construct the whole frame and levitate it up to the wall and it was at this point I realised that the frame was fragile and bent at the first hint of misalignment! But we did it with seconds to spare I secured the bracket as my wife resisted the pull of gravity which would consigned her to a metallic fate if it had won. Secured on went the canvass which was secured by ties and rolled up when not under constant observation.
Even then I realised that the weather could inflict untold damage if the canvass was not withdrawn when there was anything like a breeze. It used to inflated and rattled and bang.
One night we returned in the teeth of an Orage which had erupted and I could see that tonnes of water were trapped in the canvass and the whole frame was buckling and the wind which was getting stronger was sending mini tidal waves along the length. Desperately I tried to release the canvass straps to allow the water to escape but the water had pressurised the knot which gave way reluctantly. Just at the potential point of success the tornado struck and literally within seconds the whole structure was picked up and screwed up into a piece of discarded paper and thrown back to the ground. With me underneath it! The debris had blocked our door so I made my way to the second door. The screen now looked like a crashed first world war mono plane.
Wet through and bleeding from a minor head wound I stood at the door beckoning my stunned wife to let me in, I must have looked like one of those people you see on Thrillers where the maniac strolls up to the unsuspecting future victims. !
Then later on some other French expats told us that they had suffered a similar fate when their Gazebo had taken off, no mention of this when we bought the thing though!
After we moved to the Charente Maritime I resurrected the large umbrella contraption which I had bought as a substitute shade after the calamitous experience of the house bracket. This was a very impressive thing with the calibre of a missile it had four feet like the base of a missile launch pad, these had to be pinned into the ground. As we found out it was also necessary to roll back breaking pieces of rock across the garden to prevent its departure despite the rolling head which was supposed to ease the risk of take off. And these problems always arose when eating and drinking and a bit tipsy which made further preventive action difficult as other people intervened in similar states to assist.
Having learnt from previous events I drilled holes and secured the base with impressive bolts but Mother nature is a tough bird and on more than one occasion I thought the patio was going to break, but it didn't the bolts gave way and it fell over!
This results in another disaster the instant reminder from my nearest and dearest that I nearly killed our dog with a previous DIY calamity! And shouldn't I learn and ask an expert!
Undeterred by the scorn I set about securing the base with bolts and left over brackets from our newly fitted kitchen ( newly fitted by someone else) I bolted the bracket to the ground. Swinging my excess weight on it 'no movement' Then in with the Umbrella and normality was established.
After a few weeks I even received public praise from my wife and all was well.
Then one day we had just popped out to the shop and failing to follow my normal routine I left the umbrella up. Upon our return we were greeted by the sight of the umbrella which was bent in two and the pole looked like a broken limb. It had bent in the middle, the base was fine but the stress on the pole had been too much!
I will never buy anything like that again!
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