Moving to France

"Why France?" many had asked. " Trouble with France is that it's full of French!" a friend of mine used to say, quite often.

But in the face of the pitfalls and the obvious our, mine, mind was set, liberty, freedom and peace and quiet was a car journey away.

My wife had travelled to the region and had chosen a 'quirky' place in the Charente near Angouleme. It was a time when French Houses were being sold at a break neck place and ditherers in the process were left behind. We had planned a second trip to finalise our choice but chose to go ahead on the basis of her choice.

And ahead we went and the endless hours of work in the worst working environment a Police Custody Suite seemed to have a purpose. Hours of facing people, deranged by a variety of reasons and issuing a torrent of threats just seemed to be buffered by the image of our new life which beckoned.

We visited the house in the November and the first thing that struck me, apart from,losing the ferry return tickets, was the size of the Country.

Eventually we arrived at the hamlet and nestled at the back of two adjoining properties was ours, access was sandwiched by two properties over which we could access our property.

The property on the right was owned by an old woman in her 90's who had been institutionalised since my wife's visit although the chickens were still in residence. Never mind all of these Calorie and fitness produce, if you want to live to nearly a hundred and still be mobile, then eat a limited diet of oysters, wine and lettuce regularly. Plus ensure you observe the two hour lunch break everyday and stop whatever you are doing.

On the other side there was a sprawling mess that was being renovated by an English Couple who had become within one relative of an incestuous relationship when they tied the knot. Only the Royal Family have closer blood lines and this lot had the same approach, we were to find out later on. The house we had chosen was part of the estate owned by them but parcelled off to finance the project. The project amounting to more rubble and muck mounting up within inches of our house. The property itself was quite important locally due to the murder of a French resistance

fighter in June 1944, in actual fact he had been betrayed and was summarily executed, his remains were close by. Each year on the Anniversary they held a little service at his grave.

The house looked so quaint and seemed ideal, but there were problems that would manifest themselves later. Not least the one of height! I'm 6'1" and the doors were 5'11" which lead to an alarming increase in my swearing, I never did get used to the height of the doors. Also the mud road to the house was ok in Summer time but when it rained or snowed I used to have to take a run at the gate and land like a plane on a ships deck.

Undeterred we returned to England and learnt that the property would not be ready as agreed, because the builder had failed to comply with the application to change its use to a domestic residence and the Mairie(Mayor) had shoved it to the bottom of the pile. This was in the November and it didn't reappear until the following May and our rather substantial deposit was in Notaires Bank Account doing absolutely nothing on the Interest front. Looking back we could have withheld payment.

The pressure was still on, with regards to the work front. I was under a protracted investigation because someone had died in Custody and I was the last one to have hold of the Cocaine Fuelled nutcase who had single handily fought the North Yorkshire Police.
It was my turn now, fighting loss of my original notes, protracted interviews from people who knew little or nothing about life in a Custody suite. There had been 15 cameras in Custody and as many Police Officers in 20 square metres and it took longer to come to a conclusion than the Stockwell Tube investigation! But in retrospect it wasn't a good basis for emigrating.

I think our stay in France also has had a series of near misses on the Financial front. I had never heard of an E106 or an E121 and I certainly had never heard of the European Rules concerning residency in France and their State Healthcare. The latter was because at the time of purchase the French authorities has not adopted or had chosen to ignore that part of the European Rules.

I had much to the amusement of former colleagues, local villains had taken up taxi driving, which I quickly substituted for delivering for Tesco. But by a stroke of luck I had unwittingly maintained sufficient National Insurance payments to qualify for the two year cover under the E106 on our subsequent arrival in France. By about £40 I seem to remember.

Between my new careers, my wife suffered a stroke following an operation and she missed her 50th birthday because she was in intensive care, as it used to be known. Unfortunately she was the one of the two percent who suffered this way after the operation. But 2005 was a very hard year for her and subsequent years have not been kind.

However, we, I, I don't know who decided later on to continue with our plans to emigrate. We had looked at down sizing in the UK to a flat or small house and treating our French Home as a holiday home but we didn't.

The best time to move for the E106, if you can still qualify, is January because regardless of when you move in the year the cover commences in January normally for two years. You would have to contact the Overseas department of Pensions to verify your own personal status.

Another, financial gaff was changing our GTi Diesel Golf for a 4 wheel drive Honda. The latter was a very nice car with plenty of room but there again so was the former. Loaded two very unhappy cats and a marginally happier dog into the Car and off we went. Leaving our home so early in the morning it had all the feeling of fleeing the authorities and no sense of well being about it at all.

About 18 hours later we arrived in France at our new home with our traumatised cats. They spent along time sat on the cages in the new house not moving. Our dog was fine.
It was absolutely freezing, the radiators which we had demanded as part of the sale were totally inadequate and there was no wood burner. This was not the environment for my wife. Plus despite there being telephone points there was no phone. No television, but thankfully he arrived the following day because I had contacted him before departing the UK. The lights kept tripping off which meant a 300 yard walk, walk of shame I called it, to reconnect. I became very adapt at balancing the power but still had to make frequent trips.

Our Estate agents husband, we'll call him Sinned, was a builder and had commenced work at the new home of two former occupiers of our house. I lobbied his wife to get him to come and fit the new wood burner I had purchased for several hundred Euros and some other work but he was too engrossed with one of our former tenants.

Have you ever met anyone for the first time and thought " Fuck Off!"? Well that's just how we both felt about him, we've had some spooky coincidence where we've both verbalised the same thought at the same time and this was one of them.

But exposure beckoned as it snowed on our arrival and the temperatures plummeted. And another financial gaff, not a big one, followed. I thought that from February to November we would be sweltering in baking hot sun. So with this stupid idea in mind I bought Mosquito netting and commenced to make frames for the imaginary onslaught of flying things.( We certainly got those but not the wall to wall sunshine)

Back to Sinned who fitted the Wood burner, the wood burner weighed a ton and was delivered by a very unfit man on his own, who seemed to think that I was his labourer. Needs must and we manhandled it into the house.( Our neighbours ordered two 14 kilowatt wood burners which were delivered late one night. They weighed a lot more than our 9 kilowatt one. However given my passed experience and the general malaise of our relationship I left the lorry driver and the owners elderly father to sort it out, I will touch on these people again)

I got the impression that not all was well with Sinned as he sucked 300 euros for this and 300 euros for that out of my pocket and my wife and I held an emergency meeting.

On the back of my continuing expectation of better weather and the for fill the misconception of the 'French Life' we bought a 'splash pool' A wooden constructed thing with a substantial liner. Which we transported back from the vendors place at Angouleme on a totally inadequate trailer with great strain to the axle and tyres. It even brought a raised eyebrow from the loader but he loaded it. It was a trailer owned by another English Artisan who had cut our grass during our absence. Another cash point! (Whatever, you decide never pay cash and never employ someone who wants cash or a daily rate)

Eventually we struggled back and deposited the 1.5 tons of wood on our driveway. However before construction could commence, we needed a concrete base, which means another round of possible work from Sinned who had explained to us some pretty horrific tales about people who owed him money and an unexplained hate campaign against him.(I fully understand the hate campaign now and would have conducted a more direct campaign myself had 30 years of restraint and Martial Arts discipline not prevented me from murdering this weasel which surely could only have been a gift to the region and a public service)

He measured the area and calculated the cubic capacity of concrete required and even stated that he would have sufficient to repair the top of our driveway to prevent the precision speed entrance that was needed during wet weather.

The day arrived and so did Sinned but the hole had not been dug and in a moment of panic he enlisted a 'friend' to assist and frantically we or rather his friend and I dug the hole. His friend gave me that look that says " do you really know whats happening" with a tinge of guilt. I've seen it many times before from people in Custody and in any event my suspicions were heightened by the tales emulating from our friends home. Plus he was doing very little work and I really got into him verbally as the day progresses. The lorry arrived and delivered the load, the driver was not at all friendly and their combined body language was awful. French people are in my experience normally polite not always friendly by UK standards but usually polite he was neither. It quickly became apparent that there wasn't enough to do the base let alone any of the driveway. I demanded the receipt and he only flashed it passed my face. At that time I had no fight as such, I had just endured the worst the Police could offer and I was emotionally punch drunk. He most certainly would not have got off the premises today.

However, I contacted him again and again as to progress for what I considered the missing load. He assured me that it was in hand, but the threat of better weather and the obstruction in my driveway which made my precision parking even more skilled pressurised me into action. I contacted him and told him that I was going round to the firm myself to sort this matter out and in a moment of panic he said I couldn't and that the owner would 'throw me off his property'
I said no more. But with Veronicas help we went to the Firm and posed as new customers. Armed with the measurements we questioned the owner who was only too pleased to give us a written Devvy of delivery and the total cost was only one 5th of the price quoted by Sinned without his daily labour. We then explained to the owner that he had in actual fact delivered concrete to us earlier for another job and could we have a copy of the receipt obligingly he turned to his computer and asked for the name. I explained that it was Sinned who had placed the order and on hearing this his face changed colour but he maintained his composure apologised and stated that the records were not available because they had been submitted for taxation purposes. However, the damage was done and he knew it and we left.
I contacted 'Sinned' and told him he was fired his tools were here for collection and eventually he collected them at the end of the road. The end of the road is where I had to carry the rubbish every Wednesday and I placed his tools alongside it. I have never spoken to him or seen him since.
'Sinned' had and has a reputation for ripping unsuspecting UK arrivals off.
I even had brief contact with ITV over a possible TV programme but we lost contact when I moved.

We tried to get the pool up but it wasn't possible until our grass cutting associate offered to erect it as payment for my wife dog sitting at their home. This allowed them to return to the UK.

If you're going to start a business in France do pet sitting people pay a fortune and charge a fortune for the privilege of occupying premises that only a Pools winner would have access to.
But true to form our grateful grass cutter, wasn't too grateful, and asked for payment because 'he had to earn a living' On one occasion he mistakenly admitted that I had overpaid him and that it would be deducted the next time. It certainly was, because we embarrassed him into assisting in placing gravel down to create a parking place. Things are never quite right when one party is paying another.

The French Health system is good but it is an industry and that's our experience of it. An appointment with the Doctor is only an indication to them that you will be there on that day. Specialists are more prompt. But strangely you cannot recommend a Doctor on open forums. However, eye and dentist treatment is prohibitively expensive and most health care plans fall well short in this area.
We were offered a credit agreement with a dentist who want 7K euros to fix my wifes teeth into a Hollywood smile.
When you go to an Optician you need to have had the prescription prepared by another Optician/Doctor before you can have your glasses made. Please make sure you remain seated throughout because it helps to mask the shock of the charge of which only a fraction is retrievable from the State Insurance scheme.

We needed a telephone but it became apparent that an engineer would have to assess our location, previous people had indicated that a trench would need to be cut, at some expense. However, with the help a young salesman at France Telecom, who disappeared shortly after the largest Euro million lottery was drawn, it was decided that we needed telegraph poles. A 'Devvy' arrived and at a cost of 645 euros we would purchase two poles and they would provide one. They arrived and the Poles were erected.
The now departed salesman had written out instructions 1-10 in an act of desperation. So armed with the instructions I returned to the shop once the devvy had arrived to arrange for the wiring people. However, I arrived at lunchtime which is sacrosanct but the shop was open and guarded by a sales girl. A youngish girl with a very tight perm that did nothing for her pointed looks. And I struck attitude but I wasn't going to be put off by her stare and shrugging shoulders.So despite her many attempts to serve other people I followed her around the shop standing very close until she cracked and disappeared upstairs. Arriving back with another woman who was most helpful when I showed her our 'dossier' and she rebuke her colleague. This was clearly an anti English thing from the former assistant racism is an issue for some French
.
Then one day two young France Telecomm men arrived, obviously much amused by the fact that they had woken me up, it was only 9 am but the French commence work a lot earlier. However, the French don't mind having a laugh at you but rarely laugh with you and can be easily upset by English humour. However, they connected us up despite the wiring not being right and we had broadband.

One of the things I never considered was how labour intensive wood burners are. They consume tons of wood throughout France's winter period which can start in September and continue until May as it did for us. You need to find a supplier before the month May passes otherwise you could find yourself denied access to any wood for the following winter. Thankfully, our Mairie managed to put us in touch with a very pleasant man and we secured our delivery. Wood burners sound ok and with some amusement I look at the new wave of business in them in the UK. Not so attractive when you have to find shelter from the weather and skid around on the mud between the stack and your home.(Do not keep large quantities of wood in your French Home, because the occupants of the wood will consume the structure willingly) We never had a problem with wood theft due to our location but it is a problem.

I actually regret not being able to see how our 20stone plus English neighbour coped with feed those 14 kilowatt fires. This is someone who bought a sit on mower for a postage stamp sized garden. Much to the amusement of our French friends who were bemused to see him cut round his garden chairs. I think he was probably avoiding the bottle bank that he and his wife created under their caravans on their visits. They on one occasion bought 28 75cl bottles of red on the Monday and it was finished on the Saturday.
They paid an unannounced visit to our friends 30 kilometers away consumed 8 bottles of red before clambering in their car for the journey back.
In better times in the early days we had accepted an invitation to go for a meal to a restaurant and despite the tales I told them about my former incarnation and our opposition to drink driving, they got slaughtered. This included their parents with whom we had travelled.

True as many drunks they decided to take an extended route home in order to avoid any wandering Gendarme patrols quite ridiculous a 10 kilometer detour when we were only 2 or 3 kilometers from home. Despite my repeated warnings our pilot was transfixed by the Sat nav and his futile attempts to keep up with his son. He shot across a cross road without adjusting speed. We never went with them again. This was at a time when a former Police Inspector had killed ever so many people by turning his vehicle over whilst intoxicated.

Insects.......
These deserve a special mention because there are sorts of creepy crawly things here.
Have you ever watched one of those science fiction programmes and seen various flying UFO's and thought 'they'd never fly in real life" ?
Well the truth is out there, long, fat, thin, multi winged, multi coloured gravity defying things which buzz around. Normally quite harmless and some even enchanting. Then there are flies, millions of them. Most English want a place nestled in the French Country.
Be warned these rural retreats are a haven for flies, Farms, septic tanks and free running animals all contribute to the fly food chain.
Including you, these flies are not the docile things you encounter in the UK they have attitude and the ability to bite.

If you are afraid of wasps, stop at home! Wasps are nothing to the Hornet, these monsters can deliver a sting which can seriously reduce your blood pressure and have been known to cause fatalities. The foolish by those huge cans of spray in the mistaken belief that it does what it says on the can! Too late when you are being chased up your garden path. The Pompiers are the people to call if you discover a nest. Also if you are going to attack a single one make sure you do the job first time around. With apparent ability to defy weight many times its own mass delivered with Sir Isaac Newtons law on force at work, these insects can summons assistance when in trouble. They will attack you if they are attacked the best method is to open a window and gently guide them away.

You can try one of those electric gadgets that run on batteries but batteries go flat at all the wrong times. Prevention is better than cure. On those Summer nights don't leave a window open without screens because apart from the army of other insects and giant moths. Hornets are attracted to light!
Now what about your pets? They will need Frontline or something similar every three weeks. If you don't you run the risk of infesting your house with fleas. Also parasites such as Tics can be speedily fatal. France is wet and warm and this is an ideal climate for parasites. Don't wander around in long grass without any shoes or socks Tics are not choosy about their hosts, we knew one chap who nearly died as a result of Tics. Having met him I don't think anyone would have held it against the Tics.

Language.
Have you ever seen the Episode of Fawlty Towers where his wife is teasing Basil about not being able to speak Spanish. Basil in his defence claims to speak Classical Spanish and not the dialect Manuel speaks?
Well for me and I suspect many others it the same.

I have spent a small fortune on lessons, books, cassettes, CD's, childrens books and adult novels. I've even change the language on films I know off by heart in English. It has all amounted to the language skill of a 5 yr old with a lisp. I can ask the same thing of two people and one may understand and the other not. Strangely enough the telephone is my best success!


But I never appreciated the complexity of 'learning the language' a phrase often poked by those who pretend to be fluent but then transpire to have French spouses on Internet forums. They reply in fluent French an act of extreme arrogance in my view.

However they have a point the language skills go beyond basics and it is necessary to function. Most people wouldn't choose to have an accident in their car but would you know how to converse and fill in the forms in an emergency or in a non emergency?

Listening speaking and understanding a Forgeign language is a strain and one that cannot be avoided.