Internet Forums in particular French/English ones.

Chat Rooms, web sites and Internet Forums have evolved over the past decade into something unrecognisable from the early days of the Worldwide Web. Once the sole resort of the youthful, such activities have been joined by the silver surfer and the early retiree, who have settled in France or returned back to the UK and willing to impart their advice.

Advice and information which is literally so potentially invaluable for the enquirer and for the ever increasing searcher who is looking to 'go it alone' .

However, these places are not occupied by a totally benevolent and benign contributor or owner in these 'rooms' which in some cases you enter at your peril!

After serving 30 years with the Constabulary, I have experienced the good and bad that society had to offer . Some of those experiences were just as bad within the organisation and I looked forward to retirement. We moved to France, arriving in 2006 my eyes were opened up to a hitherto standard of human behaviour amongst the expatriate British community, via the Internet and in particular Internet Forums. This article is about those French experiences.

(There are obviously other Forums and my warnings are not restricted to ex pat sites only I've read some pretty awful material on Christian and Buddhist Forums nowhere is free of this behaviour.)

I acknowledge and respect the established Internet web sites that usually have a large port folio of French property and associated adverts and advice. Their forum sites are normally efficiently regulated against bad, offensive behaviour and illegal adverts. But they are not a 100 % safe! They certainly aren't beware that nepotism is rife amongst some of the site moderators.

Starting out life in a new country involves basically the 4 'F's'

Family. People want to know about local schools and amenities. Health care and all matters associated with family life. Young families want to know if their current lifestyle can be matched or improved.

Finance. .How are they going to survive in their new home, in France.

Future.As pensioners will they receive the right allowances and health care?

Friends. France is a foreign country and is huge compared to England and can be a lonely place and the search for new friends drive them onto forums.

The Internet has all the advice that one needs to start a new life in France. If one simply follows the official sites from the UK such as Customs and Excise and other Government web sites then you can link into other official web site in your new Country.

However, the majority of people have problems with research, limited by time, knowledge, language and total ignorance of everything to do with their chosen country and as a consequence become vulnerable.

In general people trust the Internet! Proper anti virus, firewalls, child security have lowered our natural suspicion of strangers, but we are denied an essential part of communication and that is the Person themselves.

Unknown to most of us, having your own web site and forum on the World wide web is not an expensive business. For less than 100 £ set up fee and 20 £ a year web maintenance, you can be up and running in days. Coupled with a punchy web site name and description, your new web site ( as I have found out with my fledgling art site) and forum can be on the top of the Google Search engine within days. There are even sites that offer free forums.

(I would point out that the companies offering the facility are in no way responsible for the persons who take up their offer. Bear in mind there is no vetting procedure.)

I was surprised at the cost but this means that some very un savoury characters are keyboard touch away from entering your life.

These Forums usually have a British connection and invite new members openly.

They normally don't have associated adverts but that doesn't mean that those forums are totally safe. The other feature of these forums, where danger can lurk, is that they don't confine themselves with advice about setting up life in France. They have 'Threads' these are subject matters which invite responses to an original posting on a given subject. It could be anything at all.

People hold an image of an ex pat as being a 'fellow' traveller escaping all that is bad of the UK and maintaining the standards of a lost era when Britain was the flagship of the world. Coupled with this is an expectation that a fellow 'Brit' is a kind sole with your best intentions at heart.

This is not the case, many are struggling financially and the 'newby' is fair game. There are those with serious alcohol problems who will cajole themselves, initially into your confidence but later turn on you with venom!

This further reinforced with their avatar which is a forum picture of the poster that they have chosen to represent them on that forum. These can be actual photos of themselves or property they own. Some can be funny, animated and have a punchy message, which can mask the true character of the poster. I recently had a discussion with someone who reckoned that they could learn a lot from a persons avatar. I disagree, it can be a deception in the pursuit of alleged Friendship.

There's those who treat your inexperience with contempt and want to announce to everyone your 'stupidity' a common response is to reply in French when a question is posed and the member has limited language skills.

I once posed a tax question for some friends and the person who responded, an administrator for the site, called them 'Idiots' and 'Stupid' Often reinforced with 'emoticons' of little round faces, happy, angry,confused and the list is endless, but used enforce the message in the absence of human presence.

These people are safe from you due to the fact they are writing from their own home and possibly many miles away! They can be anyone they choose to be and the unsuspecting can be subject to a verbal assault, which as a Doctor once told me, a mental assault is no less serious than a physical one. And once subject to one your new home becomes less secure.

It's like you've been burgled.

Up until just recently these vile critics of everything have escaped any libel laws but there have been recent actions.

That brings me onto how these sites are managed. They are in chief self regulating and have a list of rules as part of their conditions of membership. This in our experience has been efficient of the larger sites I have referred to at the beginning. . In one instance my wife received an abusive email from an established site in response to her thread about the cost of Immobiliers. This person had their account suspended immediately. We later found out that the person was a former detective who represented an established firm of Private Eyes. He was awaiting alleged trial for alleged assault and threats. We contacted the firm who were still marketing his services and they did nothing.

So don't expect the website or forum administrators to protect you under all such circumstances. However the smaller cheap sites are not so caring

A moderator/ Administrator is supposed to be the guardian of the forum but this is not always the case on these 'chez nous' 'anglo' this that and the other sites. Formatted by like minds they respond accordingly. My wife has been an administrator on a large website forum for years and recently she joined a new Anglo forum. They quickly enlisted her help because of the difficulties they were having with another such site. Yes these sites invade each others nests, like ants, with the intention of bringing the site down under the pressure of 'spam' and malicious threads.Having assisted, the site administrator threw her off the panel after a dispute involving a member who had commenced a campaign against her because she had only just arrived. But since then the Administrator and co owner of the Forum has been abusive.

The problem one has with a malicious Administrator is that they have access to more information about you than other forum members.

We quickly discovered that the Forum and a hardcore of its members harboured serious prejudices and were racist. One thread wanted to know how long Britain was going to tolerate the Asian presence in Birmingham and this evolved into a breathtakingly racist attack that if repeated in public in the UK would lead to your prosecution. I felt instead of having member titles such as 'hero member' these are allocated on the number of posts made, that they should adopt Grand Magician and Klu Klux Clan Avatars.

Having expressed the alternative opinion on many of these rants I have been subjected to scorn and threats from the website and its administrator.

Some people set themselves up on the back of presumed and well advertised expertise. The expert who concealed in his lair issues edicts to his followers. The followers have been fooled into believing that the advice impartial and based on self sacrifice a bit like one of those religious extreme camps. The danger from these people is to those who fail to follow their teachings!

Supported on a Forum which seems blissfully ignorant of his actions on other forums. They discipline anyone who might upset their resident star. They have 'camp followers' and unfortunately some of these 'dazzled' followers have low grade administration rules such as 'topic support' I read a recent report from one such person who was berating someone over an agricultural issue and in the reply told the unfortunate victim that they should 'leave it to experts because cows like to eat clover' ! They will step in to support the star and post in a similar vein. These 'topic supports' can be shallow and just like anything shallow can be dangerous if you dive in 'head first'!

Get a feel for the forum first and do not trust the self proclaimed expert. There are some very knowlegable people but they tend to post factually with supporting links and certainly never enter into a personal arguement.

So please do not trust anyone on these sites, you wouldn't do it in the UK why do it in France.

(I would like to thank the well known Francofile website whose name I will not reveal, except that is, the title is two words "sum of the amount" and a large Country sandwiched between Spain and Germany!, for the way in which they dumped my wife more recently after 3 years of trying to help their website.)

This electronic cottage hobby have a standard format for their site.

Having found the forum there is a 'Welcome' section where the 'newbie' can introduce themselves and give a bit of an autobiography. And people do! supply everything to with their lives. If someone walked up with a clipboard in a public place and asked the same of you, I would speculate that you would refuse. Furthermore there is a 'profile' section which in some circumstances is compulsory. Personally, I'd restrict what you leave on that page and the information I leave is usually innaccurate. Don't supply your normal email address that everyone else in your family or workplace use. Set up another address and don't use your surname in that address.

I was staggered a few weeks ago when a couple of our Friends had actually invited some Internet Friends to their home. The experience wasn't good, they drunk all the wine they had and bordered on being anti social to say the least. Although initially in our first year we made a similar error and the person transpired to have some serious problems. Again be aware just because the person responds on a forum in a jolly friendly matter or apparently shares the same moral standards means that they are good people. It most certainly does not and I would advise that opening up your home to them is a potentially serious mistake. Not least for those who after a short while offer to do work for you on a daily rate.

Forums can be useful places but they can harbour some seriously damaged individuals and I would caution the unwary about trusting someone based on a few words and a warm, jolly picture on their profile. (or their religious beliefs). Remember if you employ or take the advice off a forum there is no quality control. You will bear the responsibility. Thats why I would urge you to verify all information via the official body concerned. The French are bureaucratic but they are helpful and efficient, eventually....................

Buying and Selling 'Chez Nous'

Personally from experience of our own and others, I think the majority of the British abandon all sense and precaution when buying a French Property. None of the restraint or caution displayed when carrying out the same process in the UK.
Survey! never been heard of in France and apparently you can't stipulate a satisfactory survey in a 'Clause Suspensive'
Clause Suspensive, these are conditions that can be included into the initial contract of sale the 'Compromis' with the agreement of all parties. The most common one being the get out clause if there is a problem obtaining a mortgage. I often wondered, what was the benefit of a cash buyer?

Well simply after receiving the Compromis the purchaser only has 7 days in which to retract without penalties. Where as with a mortgage there is a 10 day cooling off period once the written offer has been made by the bank. A mortgage in France is a different affair to that in the UK.
In our case the couple buying our house have split the mortgage between them and the offer is subject to the completition of a number of documents. Not least income and a record of how they pay their exisiting rent or mortgage. They must have life assurance cover as well.
The bank 'value' the property again not in a UK fashion. They come round and make any suggestions, in our case he did some of the tests but didn't tell us who he was!

Before you can wonder who is who you have to sell and there is a mountain of advice out there at varying costs.

You can engage as many Immobiliers on 'sans exclusif' madates and advertise privately. But it's a lottery and I think 'price sells'.

We have had an army of British to bothe properties we have sold.
The first couple appeared to be on the run and stated they could purchase if we found a job for him.
People wanted to know about International Schools, whether our splash pool would accomodate her husband who swam kilometers a day, wanting to purchase the farm next door. Wanting to know if we could find them any other houses. One thing they all had in common was they all promised to reply soon and never did. One couple announced that they were hayfever suffers and here we were in the middle of Charente countryside

There is a surge of affection in the UK for the wood burner, DON'T!

Most people who come to France are either retired or facing retirement and do you really want to start hard labour. Woodburners are time consuming, they fill your home with dust, require constant feeding and cutting wood is a chore. Also the price can vary and personally I don't yet understand terms steere, chord or metre it can vary 30 euros.

Time for school

It became apparent that to live in France then a command of the language was going to be essential.

I like many others had spent a small fortune on various courses, video, books, CD and in the early days cassette tapes. End result limited ability. These courses do do not prepare you for the Doctors, Vets and everyday life events like signing up for a contract.

We found a local cafe which was run by an English couple, who eventually returned to the UK, and a local Primary School teacher who came along and tried to teach us French. The problem with this for me was the fact that some people there, were far superior and didn't actually need to be there. But they hijacked the class. Despite the coffee and polite chat the atmosphere was one of intolerance.

I found a teacher through our Gardeners family she was in her 80's a former interpreter and willing to teach us.

Off we went, and her house was massive inside and full of models of Ducks of every shape and size. The floorboards creaked where the untreated woodworm had got a grip.
To be good at a language one has to understand the basics of language, adjectives, verbs, past and future tenses.

We struggled through and she was very patient looking with desperation on occasions and allocating homework. Which by the time I returned had not been completed and she had forgotten what we had been set! So we spent a good proportion of the time revising.
As time went on the price went down but she found other little tasks for me to complete.
Fixing lights and mending computers.

What surprised me in France is their relationships.

One would think, or at least I did, that by the time you reached 80 then one's relationships would be pretty stable and uncomplicated. This was not true, my teacher still received telephone calls from her ex who rang to complain about the way he was being treated by his new wife of 20 yrs his junior.

When we moved house I found out that our neighbour wasn't married to the pleasant Charentese man but had moved to the house in fit of rage. She had followed her ex following the divorce and moved only a few doors down from him! Then she discovered that the road was noisy because of the 40 tonne lorries that bounced down it every morning at 5am. She became even more depressed when she discovered that we had sold for a price considerably less than what she had paid for hers. But she couldn't understand my explanation about the exchange rate and house prices in the UK.

Well back to the lessons, it was approaching and Monique was about to start her pilgrimage to her family in Bordeaux and afterwards she reported to a health farm for treatment. Her neighbour an English couple normally took her but on this occasion they were elsewhere. I agreed to take her.

She assured me that all her luggage would have preceded her by courier. However when we arrived she had several bags which were bulging and only secured by silk scarfs because the zips had given way under the strain.

Off we went and she tried to extend her teaching to driving wanting to know why i was driving so slowly for on the motorway, she had failed to see the ongoing mobile roadworks which had reduced the carriageway to one lane.The French provide their citizens with a driving licence for life ! Monique once took 2 days to drive 76 kilometers and then she crashed on the way back.

We arrived at Angouleme railway station and the car park which was a severe test of driving ability. We juggled the bags to a row of rusting chariots and after much effort managed to release one and balanced the bags which were now beginning to discharge their load. I found the platform which meant a long walk to the end of the platform. Given that her walking speed was something under several feet a minute, her announcement at the last minute that she had to go to the toilet was a bit distressing.

Because of her speed and the stairs then not forgetting the several layers of clothing she would have to peel off to perform the function and then re cover this was going to take some time. And it did. She arrived on the platform just in time for the train whizzing by and sucking all the air off the platform making my ears pop!

I located the correct carriage at the front of the train and the doors slid open and people pushed on and off the train, with good cause because these things don't wait. My hobbling teacher arrived breathless and mounted the train with a great deal of assistance from everyone because she was struggling under the pressure of her disability and too many clothes. I pushed the baggage on and followed her into another carriage controlled by another set of doors. I had an impending sense of doom and panic as I bundled her into place. My wife who could not drive was on the platform and I had instructed her to stay on the platform because I knew I was going to have to move fast to get off the train. However, it was too late the hiss of the doors sealing and the engagement of the clutch I knew that a trip to Bordeaux was imminent.

No money and no cards how was I going to get back?


The doors failed to open despite my best efforts, my teacher was still being assisted by other passengers who were looking me over with some suspicion, who was this person who had thrown this old lady into the train? The train started to move and that's when I struck, the desperate look on my wife's reddened face, apparently she had just run to the front of the train in an effort to prevent its departure,I pulled the emergency lever and it stopped. After a few moments a very distressed official opened the doors, with difficulty, and the accusing passengers soon identified me as the culprit. However, luckily for me, just as he commenced his tirade Monique had regained her composure and was explaining to everyone what had happened and the accusing faces melted and they allowed me off. The official was not impressed but by this time three more officials each one more rotund that the next arrived and each separately related the story and as they did each one looked in our direction. When the last one wobbled up I took the opportunity to depart and advised my wife that we should leave before they composed themselves which surely must result in a fine or worse! So we melted away into the crowd and Monique departed for her Christmas Adventure.

Mans best friend

France is over run with dogs homes and dog charities.
Most if not all are privately financed.

We spent ages scouring the countryside looking for a companion for our Carli an English boarder Collie cross.

Where to look?

Off to the Vets we went and with my extremely limited ability to speak French I posed the question. And now with the benefit of hindsight I feel sure the girl was telling me about the dogs organisation called S.P.A near Angouleme. I spent ages looking for a village called 'spa'!

We went up to Limoges and across to Cognac and it was near Saintes at our last port of call where we found 'poppy'.

France is hunting mad and as a consequence there are all manner of hunting dogs which come into these homes. The staff are dedicated and try to home each pet. But by the time we got to our last call we were some what shocked by the sheer number of inhabitants in these homes.
Be warned if you go when it is hot the odour is almost overwhelming. Some would surely be better off if they were euthanized. Clearly mad running round in circles cutting further into the soil their eyes popping out as they bounce off the wiring. It is distressing.

We arrived at Saintes and the view was the same.

However in the distance I saw 'poppy' poking through the wire, despite the girl stating there were no puppies. I asked and it transpired she was found with 13 other dogs of various breeds and ages, who were all present in the cage. A tramp had been illegally squatting and the Gendarmes had evicted him and his canine companions. The latter were brought to the kennels until a judge decided their fate.

I handed the pup to Veronica and we made our way back to the office and en route the girl said we could register an interest in her and if we were allowed at future date we could come back for her.

Thankfully there was a woman who spoke English and as soon as she had discovered that we were English announced that the dog was ours! They had no intention of handing her back to her former owner in any event. She was tiny and frail, some sort of Belgian Griffon cross.
We weren't even charged for her, I don't think they thought she would last.
And at the time neither did I but Veronica had by this time concealed her under her coat.

We made a donation for her and made our way back to the car.

When she met Carli she sprung into life and has been the same ever since.
I nearly killed her with a botched DIY job in the form of some cupboards which fell off the wall one night. I was convinced she must have been crushed, but no thankfully she had survived.

I took her almost straight away on all walks there were no other dogs so after her first injections off we went. I had to watch she didn't go into any drains and kept an eye on those birds of prey because she was so small.

I learnt that it is not a good idea to have the Anti Rabies jab done either when they are too young or when they were having the other jabs. The Anti Rabies jab can cause problems let alone failing to reach the necessary levels for the passport. I suspect it also caused our Poppy to fit a very worry episode.

Moving to France

"Why France?" many had asked. " Trouble with France is that it's full of French!" a friend of mine used to say, quite often.

But in the face of the pitfalls and the obvious our, mine, mind was set, liberty, freedom and peace and quiet was a car journey away.

My wife had travelled to the region and had chosen a 'quirky' place in the Charente near Angouleme. It was a time when French Houses were being sold at a break neck place and ditherers in the process were left behind. We had planned a second trip to finalise our choice but chose to go ahead on the basis of her choice.

And ahead we went and the endless hours of work in the worst working environment a Police Custody Suite seemed to have a purpose. Hours of facing people, deranged by a variety of reasons and issuing a torrent of threats just seemed to be buffered by the image of our new life which beckoned.

We visited the house in the November and the first thing that struck me, apart from,losing the ferry return tickets, was the size of the Country.

Eventually we arrived at the hamlet and nestled at the back of two adjoining properties was ours, access was sandwiched by two properties over which we could access our property.

The property on the right was owned by an old woman in her 90's who had been institutionalised since my wife's visit although the chickens were still in residence. Never mind all of these Calorie and fitness produce, if you want to live to nearly a hundred and still be mobile, then eat a limited diet of oysters, wine and lettuce regularly. Plus ensure you observe the two hour lunch break everyday and stop whatever you are doing.

On the other side there was a sprawling mess that was being renovated by an English Couple who had become within one relative of an incestuous relationship when they tied the knot. Only the Royal Family have closer blood lines and this lot had the same approach, we were to find out later on. The house we had chosen was part of the estate owned by them but parcelled off to finance the project. The project amounting to more rubble and muck mounting up within inches of our house. The property itself was quite important locally due to the murder of a French resistance

fighter in June 1944, in actual fact he had been betrayed and was summarily executed, his remains were close by. Each year on the Anniversary they held a little service at his grave.

The house looked so quaint and seemed ideal, but there were problems that would manifest themselves later. Not least the one of height! I'm 6'1" and the doors were 5'11" which lead to an alarming increase in my swearing, I never did get used to the height of the doors. Also the mud road to the house was ok in Summer time but when it rained or snowed I used to have to take a run at the gate and land like a plane on a ships deck.

Undeterred we returned to England and learnt that the property would not be ready as agreed, because the builder had failed to comply with the application to change its use to a domestic residence and the Mairie(Mayor) had shoved it to the bottom of the pile. This was in the November and it didn't reappear until the following May and our rather substantial deposit was in Notaires Bank Account doing absolutely nothing on the Interest front. Looking back we could have withheld payment.

The pressure was still on, with regards to the work front. I was under a protracted investigation because someone had died in Custody and I was the last one to have hold of the Cocaine Fuelled nutcase who had single handily fought the North Yorkshire Police.
It was my turn now, fighting loss of my original notes, protracted interviews from people who knew little or nothing about life in a Custody suite. There had been 15 cameras in Custody and as many Police Officers in 20 square metres and it took longer to come to a conclusion than the Stockwell Tube investigation! But in retrospect it wasn't a good basis for emigrating.

I think our stay in France also has had a series of near misses on the Financial front. I had never heard of an E106 or an E121 and I certainly had never heard of the European Rules concerning residency in France and their State Healthcare. The latter was because at the time of purchase the French authorities has not adopted or had chosen to ignore that part of the European Rules.

I had much to the amusement of former colleagues, local villains had taken up taxi driving, which I quickly substituted for delivering for Tesco. But by a stroke of luck I had unwittingly maintained sufficient National Insurance payments to qualify for the two year cover under the E106 on our subsequent arrival in France. By about £40 I seem to remember.

Between my new careers, my wife suffered a stroke following an operation and she missed her 50th birthday because she was in intensive care, as it used to be known. Unfortunately she was the one of the two percent who suffered this way after the operation. But 2005 was a very hard year for her and subsequent years have not been kind.

However, we, I, I don't know who decided later on to continue with our plans to emigrate. We had looked at down sizing in the UK to a flat or small house and treating our French Home as a holiday home but we didn't.

The best time to move for the E106, if you can still qualify, is January because regardless of when you move in the year the cover commences in January normally for two years. You would have to contact the Overseas department of Pensions to verify your own personal status.

Another, financial gaff was changing our GTi Diesel Golf for a 4 wheel drive Honda. The latter was a very nice car with plenty of room but there again so was the former. Loaded two very unhappy cats and a marginally happier dog into the Car and off we went. Leaving our home so early in the morning it had all the feeling of fleeing the authorities and no sense of well being about it at all.

About 18 hours later we arrived in France at our new home with our traumatised cats. They spent along time sat on the cages in the new house not moving. Our dog was fine.
It was absolutely freezing, the radiators which we had demanded as part of the sale were totally inadequate and there was no wood burner. This was not the environment for my wife. Plus despite there being telephone points there was no phone. No television, but thankfully he arrived the following day because I had contacted him before departing the UK. The lights kept tripping off which meant a 300 yard walk, walk of shame I called it, to reconnect. I became very adapt at balancing the power but still had to make frequent trips.

Our Estate agents husband, we'll call him Sinned, was a builder and had commenced work at the new home of two former occupiers of our house. I lobbied his wife to get him to come and fit the new wood burner I had purchased for several hundred Euros and some other work but he was too engrossed with one of our former tenants.

Have you ever met anyone for the first time and thought " Fuck Off!"? Well that's just how we both felt about him, we've had some spooky coincidence where we've both verbalised the same thought at the same time and this was one of them.

But exposure beckoned as it snowed on our arrival and the temperatures plummeted. And another financial gaff, not a big one, followed. I thought that from February to November we would be sweltering in baking hot sun. So with this stupid idea in mind I bought Mosquito netting and commenced to make frames for the imaginary onslaught of flying things.( We certainly got those but not the wall to wall sunshine)

Back to Sinned who fitted the Wood burner, the wood burner weighed a ton and was delivered by a very unfit man on his own, who seemed to think that I was his labourer. Needs must and we manhandled it into the house.( Our neighbours ordered two 14 kilowatt wood burners which were delivered late one night. They weighed a lot more than our 9 kilowatt one. However given my passed experience and the general malaise of our relationship I left the lorry driver and the owners elderly father to sort it out, I will touch on these people again)

I got the impression that not all was well with Sinned as he sucked 300 euros for this and 300 euros for that out of my pocket and my wife and I held an emergency meeting.

On the back of my continuing expectation of better weather and the for fill the misconception of the 'French Life' we bought a 'splash pool' A wooden constructed thing with a substantial liner. Which we transported back from the vendors place at Angouleme on a totally inadequate trailer with great strain to the axle and tyres. It even brought a raised eyebrow from the loader but he loaded it. It was a trailer owned by another English Artisan who had cut our grass during our absence. Another cash point! (Whatever, you decide never pay cash and never employ someone who wants cash or a daily rate)

Eventually we struggled back and deposited the 1.5 tons of wood on our driveway. However before construction could commence, we needed a concrete base, which means another round of possible work from Sinned who had explained to us some pretty horrific tales about people who owed him money and an unexplained hate campaign against him.(I fully understand the hate campaign now and would have conducted a more direct campaign myself had 30 years of restraint and Martial Arts discipline not prevented me from murdering this weasel which surely could only have been a gift to the region and a public service)

He measured the area and calculated the cubic capacity of concrete required and even stated that he would have sufficient to repair the top of our driveway to prevent the precision speed entrance that was needed during wet weather.

The day arrived and so did Sinned but the hole had not been dug and in a moment of panic he enlisted a 'friend' to assist and frantically we or rather his friend and I dug the hole. His friend gave me that look that says " do you really know whats happening" with a tinge of guilt. I've seen it many times before from people in Custody and in any event my suspicions were heightened by the tales emulating from our friends home. Plus he was doing very little work and I really got into him verbally as the day progresses. The lorry arrived and delivered the load, the driver was not at all friendly and their combined body language was awful. French people are in my experience normally polite not always friendly by UK standards but usually polite he was neither. It quickly became apparent that there wasn't enough to do the base let alone any of the driveway. I demanded the receipt and he only flashed it passed my face. At that time I had no fight as such, I had just endured the worst the Police could offer and I was emotionally punch drunk. He most certainly would not have got off the premises today.

However, I contacted him again and again as to progress for what I considered the missing load. He assured me that it was in hand, but the threat of better weather and the obstruction in my driveway which made my precision parking even more skilled pressurised me into action. I contacted him and told him that I was going round to the firm myself to sort this matter out and in a moment of panic he said I couldn't and that the owner would 'throw me off his property'
I said no more. But with Veronicas help we went to the Firm and posed as new customers. Armed with the measurements we questioned the owner who was only too pleased to give us a written Devvy of delivery and the total cost was only one 5th of the price quoted by Sinned without his daily labour. We then explained to the owner that he had in actual fact delivered concrete to us earlier for another job and could we have a copy of the receipt obligingly he turned to his computer and asked for the name. I explained that it was Sinned who had placed the order and on hearing this his face changed colour but he maintained his composure apologised and stated that the records were not available because they had been submitted for taxation purposes. However, the damage was done and he knew it and we left.
I contacted 'Sinned' and told him he was fired his tools were here for collection and eventually he collected them at the end of the road. The end of the road is where I had to carry the rubbish every Wednesday and I placed his tools alongside it. I have never spoken to him or seen him since.
'Sinned' had and has a reputation for ripping unsuspecting UK arrivals off.
I even had brief contact with ITV over a possible TV programme but we lost contact when I moved.

We tried to get the pool up but it wasn't possible until our grass cutting associate offered to erect it as payment for my wife dog sitting at their home. This allowed them to return to the UK.

If you're going to start a business in France do pet sitting people pay a fortune and charge a fortune for the privilege of occupying premises that only a Pools winner would have access to.
But true to form our grateful grass cutter, wasn't too grateful, and asked for payment because 'he had to earn a living' On one occasion he mistakenly admitted that I had overpaid him and that it would be deducted the next time. It certainly was, because we embarrassed him into assisting in placing gravel down to create a parking place. Things are never quite right when one party is paying another.

The French Health system is good but it is an industry and that's our experience of it. An appointment with the Doctor is only an indication to them that you will be there on that day. Specialists are more prompt. But strangely you cannot recommend a Doctor on open forums. However, eye and dentist treatment is prohibitively expensive and most health care plans fall well short in this area.
We were offered a credit agreement with a dentist who want 7K euros to fix my wifes teeth into a Hollywood smile.
When you go to an Optician you need to have had the prescription prepared by another Optician/Doctor before you can have your glasses made. Please make sure you remain seated throughout because it helps to mask the shock of the charge of which only a fraction is retrievable from the State Insurance scheme.

We needed a telephone but it became apparent that an engineer would have to assess our location, previous people had indicated that a trench would need to be cut, at some expense. However, with the help a young salesman at France Telecom, who disappeared shortly after the largest Euro million lottery was drawn, it was decided that we needed telegraph poles. A 'Devvy' arrived and at a cost of 645 euros we would purchase two poles and they would provide one. They arrived and the Poles were erected.
The now departed salesman had written out instructions 1-10 in an act of desperation. So armed with the instructions I returned to the shop once the devvy had arrived to arrange for the wiring people. However, I arrived at lunchtime which is sacrosanct but the shop was open and guarded by a sales girl. A youngish girl with a very tight perm that did nothing for her pointed looks. And I struck attitude but I wasn't going to be put off by her stare and shrugging shoulders.So despite her many attempts to serve other people I followed her around the shop standing very close until she cracked and disappeared upstairs. Arriving back with another woman who was most helpful when I showed her our 'dossier' and she rebuke her colleague. This was clearly an anti English thing from the former assistant racism is an issue for some French
.
Then one day two young France Telecomm men arrived, obviously much amused by the fact that they had woken me up, it was only 9 am but the French commence work a lot earlier. However, the French don't mind having a laugh at you but rarely laugh with you and can be easily upset by English humour. However, they connected us up despite the wiring not being right and we had broadband.

One of the things I never considered was how labour intensive wood burners are. They consume tons of wood throughout France's winter period which can start in September and continue until May as it did for us. You need to find a supplier before the month May passes otherwise you could find yourself denied access to any wood for the following winter. Thankfully, our Mairie managed to put us in touch with a very pleasant man and we secured our delivery. Wood burners sound ok and with some amusement I look at the new wave of business in them in the UK. Not so attractive when you have to find shelter from the weather and skid around on the mud between the stack and your home.(Do not keep large quantities of wood in your French Home, because the occupants of the wood will consume the structure willingly) We never had a problem with wood theft due to our location but it is a problem.

I actually regret not being able to see how our 20stone plus English neighbour coped with feed those 14 kilowatt fires. This is someone who bought a sit on mower for a postage stamp sized garden. Much to the amusement of our French friends who were bemused to see him cut round his garden chairs. I think he was probably avoiding the bottle bank that he and his wife created under their caravans on their visits. They on one occasion bought 28 75cl bottles of red on the Monday and it was finished on the Saturday.
They paid an unannounced visit to our friends 30 kilometers away consumed 8 bottles of red before clambering in their car for the journey back.
In better times in the early days we had accepted an invitation to go for a meal to a restaurant and despite the tales I told them about my former incarnation and our opposition to drink driving, they got slaughtered. This included their parents with whom we had travelled.

True as many drunks they decided to take an extended route home in order to avoid any wandering Gendarme patrols quite ridiculous a 10 kilometer detour when we were only 2 or 3 kilometers from home. Despite my repeated warnings our pilot was transfixed by the Sat nav and his futile attempts to keep up with his son. He shot across a cross road without adjusting speed. We never went with them again. This was at a time when a former Police Inspector had killed ever so many people by turning his vehicle over whilst intoxicated.

Insects.......
These deserve a special mention because there are sorts of creepy crawly things here.
Have you ever watched one of those science fiction programmes and seen various flying UFO's and thought 'they'd never fly in real life" ?
Well the truth is out there, long, fat, thin, multi winged, multi coloured gravity defying things which buzz around. Normally quite harmless and some even enchanting. Then there are flies, millions of them. Most English want a place nestled in the French Country.
Be warned these rural retreats are a haven for flies, Farms, septic tanks and free running animals all contribute to the fly food chain.
Including you, these flies are not the docile things you encounter in the UK they have attitude and the ability to bite.

If you are afraid of wasps, stop at home! Wasps are nothing to the Hornet, these monsters can deliver a sting which can seriously reduce your blood pressure and have been known to cause fatalities. The foolish by those huge cans of spray in the mistaken belief that it does what it says on the can! Too late when you are being chased up your garden path. The Pompiers are the people to call if you discover a nest. Also if you are going to attack a single one make sure you do the job first time around. With apparent ability to defy weight many times its own mass delivered with Sir Isaac Newtons law on force at work, these insects can summons assistance when in trouble. They will attack you if they are attacked the best method is to open a window and gently guide them away.

You can try one of those electric gadgets that run on batteries but batteries go flat at all the wrong times. Prevention is better than cure. On those Summer nights don't leave a window open without screens because apart from the army of other insects and giant moths. Hornets are attracted to light!
Now what about your pets? They will need Frontline or something similar every three weeks. If you don't you run the risk of infesting your house with fleas. Also parasites such as Tics can be speedily fatal. France is wet and warm and this is an ideal climate for parasites. Don't wander around in long grass without any shoes or socks Tics are not choosy about their hosts, we knew one chap who nearly died as a result of Tics. Having met him I don't think anyone would have held it against the Tics.

Language.
Have you ever seen the Episode of Fawlty Towers where his wife is teasing Basil about not being able to speak Spanish. Basil in his defence claims to speak Classical Spanish and not the dialect Manuel speaks?
Well for me and I suspect many others it the same.

I have spent a small fortune on lessons, books, cassettes, CD's, childrens books and adult novels. I've even change the language on films I know off by heart in English. It has all amounted to the language skill of a 5 yr old with a lisp. I can ask the same thing of two people and one may understand and the other not. Strangely enough the telephone is my best success!


But I never appreciated the complexity of 'learning the language' a phrase often poked by those who pretend to be fluent but then transpire to have French spouses on Internet forums. They reply in fluent French an act of extreme arrogance in my view.

However they have a point the language skills go beyond basics and it is necessary to function. Most people wouldn't choose to have an accident in their car but would you know how to converse and fill in the forms in an emergency or in a non emergency?

Listening speaking and understanding a Forgeign language is a strain and one that cannot be avoided.